"IF ONLY" Headlines

Someone suggested a few world headlines that would
  mean a "world"of difference - if only they were true...
Here are a few such headlines -
(more to be added)

HEADLINE: People continue to be shocked that they too will eventually die. Understanding the meaning of 'lifespan' seems to offer solace. 

HEADLINE: Doctors declare that our desire to live supersedes their ability to save lives. More pro-active patients now going to doctors only to pick up prescriptions for self-researched medicines. 

HEADLINE: Unlimited Oil Deposits Found In Sudan...World Movers and Shakers Now Interested

HEADLINE: Morning-News Anchors No Longer Giggly...Mornings Now More Pleasant

HEADLINE: Gas Stations End Selling of Alcohol...Lawmakers See This As Wiser Than Forcing Free People to Be Seatbelted In Their Vehicles

HEADLINE: World Leaders Reach Unchangeable Arms Agreement... Agree to Arm-Wrestle Only Each Other to Settle Disputes. Peace Breaks Out Worldwide.

HEADLINE: Tamper-Proof Vehicle Ignition Key Now Issued With Driver's License... Lose License or Insurance, Key Revoked and Inoperable

HEADLINE: Best of Times Now Worldwide Phenomenon....Contented Taxpayers Gladly Pay Fair Share

HEADLINE: Nutritious and Healthy Foods Now Cost No More Than Non-Nutritious

HEADLINE: Weather Forecasters No Longer Disdain Rainy Days As a Mess... In Respect For Vegetation's - And Nature's - Dominant Source of Nourishment

HEADLINE: Sure Signs From Heavens Seem to Disclaim Anyone on Earth As Designated Spokesperson... Godhead Claims to Manage Quite OK Without Human Meddling... Points to Order of Planets in Orbit, Sun's schedule, Etc., As Proof

HEADLINE: Enlightened Nutrition Fast Gaining Hold...World Population Crave Healthier Diets. Fast-Food Merchants Call Trend Misguided

HEADLINE: Telemarketers Finally Required By Law to Supply Own Home Numbers for Call-backs. Public Opinion Says Ruling Long Overdue

HEADLINE: All Gods and Potentates Signal Their Disapproval of Killers Driven by Causes. Determined to Remain Faithful, Killers Driven by Causes Now Disavow Such Gods and Potentates.

HEADLINE: Lottery Players Regret Years of  Purchasing Non-Winning Tickets...Many Say All That Money Could Have Almost Bought A Good Weekend In Las Vegas

HEADLINE: $1 Ticket Lottery Winner Gleeful Over Huge Win...Gaming Critics Denounce Winner For Reckless Use of Hard-Earned Dollar That Could Have At Least Gone to Charity... Charities Solicit Generous Donations from Winner.

HEADLINE: Young men no longer signing up to fight wars, deciding that old men have gotten enough from society; old men protest, saying, "Hell no, not us, we won't go." Young men ask, "Why not you?"